Integrity – Henry Cloud, part 9

Part 3: Character Dimension Two: Oriented Truth

Chapter 7 (part 1 of 2): In Touch With Reality

Orientation towards truth involves telling it when it hurts or has negative consequences in some form or manner.  Cloud points out that “people fudge or life when there is a risk of some sort of loss or negative consequence.”

In order to achieve success, it’s not enough to just be an honest person.  Cloud observes that it’s insufficient because “they miss parts of reality that are important to make things work.”  One needs to be seeking truth and reality AND deal with it.  People fail in this area because they don’t want to deal with the uncomfortable feelings accompanying with dealing with truths.  They want to remain comfortable.  Citing Jim Collin’s book, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap… and Others Don’t, Cloud states that “spending time in some alternate universe that does not exist to make the one that we are living in feel better” is detrimental to success.  What does it look like for one to be seeking truth?  That is the subject of the next chapter.

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Integrity – Henry Cloud, part 8

Part 2: Character Dimension One: Establishing Trust

Chapter 6 (part 3 of 3): Building Trust Through Vulnerability

If a leader is too weak, you wouldn’t trust him.  If a leader is too strong, you wouldn’t be able to relate to him and, ultimately, unable to trust him.  Cloud says that there must be a balance of the two.  You can’t bee too vulnerable but, on the other hand, you can’t be impenetrable.  This is where there is a “tension in the dynamic of power and trust.”

Vulnerability allows for transmutation to occur.  Cloud recounts a story where because of an illness, he fell behind in school and had a daunting time catching up with his classmates.  His mother, whom he leaned for support, confided that she too feels daunted with life sometimes but faces it head on.  By seeing a ‘crack’ in her armor, Cloud was able to connect the ability to get things done so that he could catch up with his classmates.  Prior to that, he was filled with emotions like dread and discouragement and unable to reach down to the areas of his life that would provide the resources for him to do the things to catch up in school.  Transmutation occurred when he saw that the person he relied on for strength was able to identify with him in his weakness.

Strength allows for encouragement to occur.

Those who balance the two exhibit the following four characteristics:

1. Possess strength.
2. Possess ‘likeness.
3. Exude warm character.
4. They are people with ‘cracks’ in their armor.

Filed under: Christianity, Leadership, Ministry , character, Henry Cloud, books, Christianity

Integrity – Henry Cloud, part 7

Part 2: Character Dimension One: Establishing Trust

Chapter 5 (part 2 of 3): Building Trust Through Extending Favor

From a leader’s perspective, this kind of trust is established when one is looking out for the other person’s interest on an unconditional basis.  Cloud recounts a story of a CEO who was miffed over the fact that his employees were complaining about their benefits package when, in reality, the company was spending more money it than their competitors.  He expected that they should feel grateful but ‘being a person of integrated character’, he didn’t lash out and retaliate but researched the validity of their complaints.  It turned out that there were better benefit packages that were actually cheaper than what they were currently paying for.  Not only did he opt for the cheaper but better benefit package, he also went on to take those savings and distributed it to their retirement account.  When this was announced, it produced the following four effects:

1. “The employees discovered that they could trust him to listen to them when they said that something was not good for them.”
2. “They could trust him to do what he had promised” which was to get the best benefit package.
3. They received more than what they asked for.
4. The biggest effect, which was the establishing of trust, was they now knew that they could trust the CEO because his act of distributing the savings to their retirement account rather than pocketing it sent a clear message that he was an advocate for the employees.

This leads to an even greater level of trust.

Cloud goes on to show that the character’s ability to trust and to be trustworthy can be divided in three ways:

1. People who are paranoid and are always wondering if people are out to get them.
2. People who treat the other person well just as long as they respond in kind.  In other words, as long as the other person is being kind, then that kindness would be reciprocated.  Cloud points out that this is so prevalent in marital relationships.
3. People whose goodness and kindness is NOT dependent on anything.

This leads to the biggest point of the chapter in that as a leader, our role is to be a redemptive force for others.  We are not to set demands upon them and show favor when they meet those demands.  Our role is to provide the environment and the necessary resources for those who are under us to live up to the standards.  Leaders are not to retaliate or grow bitter when they fail

“Integrity…is character that can handle another person’s not being all someone needs that person to be…The person is not dragged down by other people’s failures, but are a force of redemption in any situation.”

Filed under: Christianity, Leadership, Ministry , integrity, character, Henry Cloud, books, grace

The Only Necessary Thing – Henri Nouwen, part 3

Chapter 2 – What is prayer?

“Prayer is often considered a weakness, a support system, which is used when we can no longer help ourselves.  But this is is true when the God of our prayers is created in our own image and adapted to our own needs and concerns.  When, however, prayer makes us reach out to God, not on our own but on God’s terms, then prayer pulls us away from self-preoccupations, encourages us to leave familiar ground, and challenges within the narrow boundaries of our mind or heart.  Prayer, therefore, is a great adventure because the God with whom we enter into a new relationship is greater than we are and defies all our calculations and predictions.  The movement from illusion to prayer is hard to make since it leads us from false certainties to true uncertainties, from an easy support system to a risky surrender, and from the many ‘safe’ gods to the God whose love has no limits.” – Reaching Out

“Most of us try to get out from underneath by saying: ‘I have enough problems…Please do not burden me with the problems of this world…’  We may still say our fearful prayers, but we have forgotten that true prayer embraces the whole world…” – Prayer Embraces the World

“Through the discipline of prayer we awaken ourselves to the God in us and let God enter into our heartbeat and our breathing, into our thoughts and emotions, our hearing, seeing, touching, and tasting…Contemplation, therefore, is a participation in this divine self-recognition…This explains the intimate relationship between contemplation and ministry.” – Clowning in Rome

“In the act of prayer, we undermine the illusion of control by divesting ourselves of all false belongings and by directing ourselves totally to the God who is the only one to whom we belong.  Prayer therefore is the act of dying to all that we consider to be our own and of being born to a new existence which is not of this world.” – Letting Go of All Things.

“Praying pervades every aspect of our lives.  It is the unceasing recognition that God is wherever we are, always inviting us to come closer and to celebrate the divine gift of being alive.” – With Open Hands

Filed under: Christian Living, Christianity, Ministry , books, Christianity, Henri Nouwen, prayer

Integrity – Henry Cloud, part 6

Part 2: Character Dimension One: Establishing Trust

Chapter 4 (part 1 of 3): Building Trust Through Connection

Cloud begins the chapter by recounting a story of a merger between two health-care companies.  They had to choose one CEO from either of the company to lead the new one and it came down to a person who was successful at selling anything and a person who was analytical; they ended up choosing the latter who also turned out to be a nice guy.

In the first meeting with upper management, the new CEO fielded questions and concerns.  Rather than addressing them directly, he invalidates the concerns arising from the merger.  He assures the crowd that everything would be okay.  Concerns ranged from having to relocate employees who had already moved recently, to combining different cultures of the companies, and to choosing which compensation package.  Cloud goes on to observe that this CEO’s response sucked the energy out of the room.  He failed to empathize with their concerns and enter into their reality. His answers were dismissive.  Even though his answers may have been correct and true to reality, he lost the trust of his management team as he failed to understand their vantage point.  Had he done this, it would not have mattered that his answers would have remained the same.

Heart, desire, and passion go hand in hand like peanut butter and jelly.  When you lose one of these elements, you’ll only get compliance but won’t be able to get people’s best efforts.  These leaders who miss out on these elements will only be able to impose their will on others.  Good leaders are able to win the hearts and wills of people when they first connect with them and understand where they are coming from.  The same goes for parents who would be able to successfully to garner their child’s obedience from understanding why it is they’re hanging out with the bad kids as opposed to just telling them to stop hanging out with them.

To connect is to be involved in the ‘other.’  It is “the curiosity and desire to know them, to understand them, to be ‘with’ them, to be present with them, and ultimately to care for them.”

What are the building blocks to connecting with people?  Empathy, or connecting with other people, involves the following building blocks:

1. The ability to feel and be what is referred to as softhearted.
   1. People who are out of touch with their own feelings are unable to empathize.
2. Having good boundaries.
   1. When you empathize, you are aware that it is their experience and not yours.  To overidentify with someone would lead to foolish behaviors.
3. The ability to listen in a way that communicates understanding.
   1. They talk.
   2. You experience them.
   3. You share what you have heard and experienced about their experience.
   4. They experience you as having heard them.

Invalidation is the connection killer.  It is the cause of cancers in relationships.  Sometimes, a person is able to empathize but because of the nature of the relationship where it is hierarchical, there is the fear that what they hear would be valid and would be giving up credibility to the underling.  Cloud says that to empathize, you are validating that what they are experiencing is really their own experience, whether it is true or not.

Invalidation comes in the form in trying to talk people out of their problems.  For example, someone would say that “I’m a loser” and you would reply “No, you are not!!!”  Two problems have now been created instead of a resolution.  The initial problem of feeling like a loser persists but now he also feels like no one truly understands him.  Cloud, thankfully, tells us that decades of research have shown that one can help someone by not giving them any answers but empathy.

To further illustrate the cancerous nature of invalidation, Cloud uses a parent-child relationship.  The parent is the source of lessons that the child needs to learn and internalize.  Lessons include impulse control, discipline, empathy, reality testing, emotional regulation, hope, trust, and judgment.  When a child learns from an early age that his feelings and emotions are invalidated, he will disconnect and disengage himself from the parent.  As a result, he disconnects himself from the parent who is the source of all good lessons in life.  Had the CEO validated the fears and concerns of the management team, discipline, hope, judgment, and creativity would have ensued.  The same goes for marriage.

There are consequences of not having a connecting character.  When empathy fails to occur, “the human heart will seek to be known, understood, and connected with above all else.  If you do not connect, the ones you care about will find someone who will.”  Reading this sent shudders down my spine as I thought about my child and my wife and other important relationships.  Cloud goes on to point out the consequences such as a spouse finding someone new, child finding alliances with unsavory characters and so forth.

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